Hope

I wonder. I really do. I wonder at God's goodness, his loving kindness and his tenderness. And then I can't help but sense shame for my distance towards him. I say I need Him and that I love Him. After all, I have dedicated my life to serving Him, saying goodbye forever to designer bags, the latest Camaro (it is such a beautiful car!) and bulging bank accounts.  But my my pride makes itself known--unwelcome--like when I forget about God's presence. Like when I take his willingness to be known by me for granted. I hate the pride in me; I don't know where it comes from (uh...scratch that!), but I know that I loathe that part of my nature. I was reading recently a reminder that pride is normal (a word I hate) and loathing it is utterly human-which is proof to me that God didn't design us to be inhabited by it.

"We inherently possess a natural resistance to God" (that is from a bible study I am currently engrossed in). We know he is the best thing that could ever happen to us, that he can open doors and restore hope, that he can offer satisfying intimacy no man or woman ever could. And yet we tend to resist him the way water pushes itself away from oil. But despite my tendencies to avoid him, I know the utter relief resulting from an encounter with God. He soothes and relaxes. He invigorates my soul and increases my ambition to accomplish his plans. He makes me feel hopeful. I love him for that and realize I am on my way. I do love him...and he knows how much!